Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
