My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Houston, we have a blender
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Randomize
