her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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