So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
