GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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