All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
