I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
