the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
