We named our party play list daddy issues
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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