She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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