so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
