your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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