remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
