i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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