If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
