Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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