i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
