I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
