My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
