So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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