I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
