I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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