Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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