Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
