sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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