It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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