My sheets look like a crime scene.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
