I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
