I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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