Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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