if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
