At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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