Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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