I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
