He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Pants are for mortals
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
