I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
wat bout pragnant strippers??
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
