Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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