she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
