So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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