LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
