Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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