just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
