i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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