i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
