if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
