I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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