My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
