Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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