My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
