and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
